Why Ms. Independent Can’t Seem to Find Mr. Right
Fist, allow me to clarify upfront that this is not an attack on independent women. This short treatise is meant to be a legitimate eye-opening process that will illuminate real challenges that independent women face based on cultural paradigms and erroneous expectations. When you examine social culture from a historical perspective, it appears that women are supposed to sit around and wait on some man to discover them.
Even the Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs (18:22)
If you only observed things on the surface, it would seem that women have historically played an insignificant role in attracting and gaining the attention of the type of man that they want; however, that could not be further from the truth.
If we were to stick with the Bible analogy, we would find that Ruth (the only woman directly declared to be virtuous in the Bible) made her presence known to Boaz by going into his quarters and sleeping at his feet. We know that this was not an isolated event because she was advised by Naomi to do it — indicating that it was a common practice.
Okay, let’s move up to the current time to examine why Ms. Independent can’t seem to find Mr. Right. First of all, most women who are on their grind are doing very little to ensure that they are found. They are so immersed in their careers and passion that they have reserved very little time to engage in the social side of life.
Like any other endeavor in life, finding a compatible mate is a proactive process. There is a false notion that women are not supposed to present themselves to men. While I agree that most men want to be in the position of pursuing rather than being pursued, there is absolutely nothing wrong with subtly throwing your hat into the ring.
There is nothing wrong with a little respectful flirting. First, it ensures that the man knows that you are there, and it also sends him a message that you are interested in him. I am not proposing that you become overly suggestive in a sexual manner or that you become too aggressive. Simply make your presence and intent known.
For instance, my wife initiated our relationship by simply introducing herself and letting me know that she was impressed with the work I do. She did not overextend herself nor overexpose herself. Yet, I knew that she was interested. Her energy was inviting as well.
Here is something that you have to understand. There is a growing perception that women are less approachable than at any time in the past. Professional women are often engaged in their quest for upward mobility in their field. I have heard men say she is beautiful but she has resting “bitch” face. For those of you who don’t know what resting bitch face is, it is an unintentional facial expression made by women in which they unknowingly give the impression that they are irritated, annoyed, contemptuous, or angry — especially when the individual is relaxed.
What I have found is that a lot of women are used to being approached by the guy Annie White refers to as Larry Lame. You know, the guy who is highly aggressive, presumptuous, and rude. He has no subtlety in his approach and he has been conditioned to believe that “no” simply means keep trying. Larry Lame brings nothing of value to the table and most women of value and virtue find him repulsive. The anticipation of being approached by Larry Lame is one precursor to resting bitch face.
Allow me a brief moment of digression here. There is a common misconception that men are intimidated by successful independent women. That postulation could not be further for the truth for holistically developed men. In fact, men who are confident in themselves and aware of what they bring to the table are absolutely turned on by an independent woman. Here is what does turn off a good man — a woman who says she does not need a man. With the exception of being respected, there is nothing a good man wants more than to be needed. Being needed to a man is far more valuable than being wanted and being respected is far more wholesome than even being loved.
It is imperative that you understand that the needs of men and women are distinctively different. If you want Gary the good guy (Annie White) to approach, you have to guide him in. There has never been a time with as much noise and activity standing between men and women as it is now. You have to remove the noise.
First, you must develop the confidence to flirt without being obnoxiously flirty. You also have to be careful of the message that you are sending. You need to allow your energy and your behavior to reflect the fact that you are looking for a husband and not a hookup.
Additionally, it is important to understand that how you engage and date a man sets the boundaries and expectations for the relationship. When you approach a man first, it sends a message that you are willing to get out and meet men. Why is this important, it is important because if a man knows that the last thing in the world you want to do is get out and meet men and go through the dating process, he also knows that you are more likely to put up with his crap to keep from starting over.
The more socially astute you appear, the more likely he is to understand how fortunate he is to be the one that you chose. Just by you approaching him first, he will perceive you as outgoing. I keep using Annie White because when I was researching extant data on the topic her explanation and philosophy was simplistic yet direct. Plus, she had used this approach to secure her own relationship.
The concept is simple — instead of waiting to be chosen, you choose and let him chase. You have a right to participate in the process of determining a life partner. Men pursue naturally, it is your job to point him in the right direction.
Following is a three-step process that has proven to be highly effective in not only gaining the interest of men but effortlessly advancing the process.
Step One: Question
No matter where you are, you can come up with a question to ask a man that initiates the process. If you are on the supplement aisle in the grocery store, ask him a question about what supplements he would suggest for what you are trying to accomplish. Even if he does not know the answer, you have opened up the dialogue. Just don’t make him feel stupid for not knowing the answer.
Step Two: Introduction
After a few exchanges in the dialogue, stop and introduce yourself. You can keep it simple, by simply telling him your name. You don’t want to complicate things too soon.
Step Three: The Exchange
Don’t wait on him to ask for your contact information, give it to him. If you have a business card, that is great, but if not make sure that you give him a way to find you.
Not every man will follow up and that is okay, but at least you are in the game and you know that if they do call, there is at least some level of interest.
Finally, make sure that you are on the right frequency. What I mean by this is that we all emit energy and the frequencies we emit serve to attract people to us. If you are still discovering who you are, this is not the time to enter into a relationship. If you are still recovering from a failed relationship, it is not the right time to start something new. You want to be your best self because that will play a vital role in attracting the right type of person.
The one thing that I want you to take away from this is that you cannot sit around waiting to be found. Get in the game a participate in the process! ~ Rick Wallace, Ph.D., Psy.D.